Anyone who would be reading this already knows our news, but I wanted to share a little about how God has been with us in this new development.
It was five months ago yesterday that we said goodbye to Ava Rose, and we each continue to grieve in our own way. Probably 3 months ago Mark and I started talking about when and if we would try to adopt again. In the moment we didn't feel ready, and for a while Mark didn't want to go through the whole process again at all, but we did eventually come to the conclusion that though it might be hard now, we do want to have another child--and sooner rather than later.
We had several discussions about this, and at some point we said, OK, we'll call our agency and ask them to start showing our profile again. But then a few days would go by and I would realize I had forgotten to do it. Mark and I would talk again, and the same thing would happen. This probably went on for a couple of months.
In mid August I read an article from a mom who had lost a child. I resonated with her description of her grieving, and how it was always there in the back of her mind, even while she was busy with other things. But when everything slows down and gets quiet, there's the grief, waiting.
One Monday night late in August I told Mark about this article and asked if he wanted to read it. This led to a conversation about our grieving processes, something we hadn't talked about in several weeks. I told Mark that I think every day, often many times a day, about the situation with Ava Rose--not just about her, but about all the circumstances surrounding our losing her. I often think about the people involved and think about what I wish I could say, or wish I had said. My thoughts just go there, over and over.
I shared with Mark a teaching I heard recently on forgiveness, which was helping me work through these thoughts that just keep coming even though I don't want them to. A colleague of mine with InterVarsity shared at a seminar a list of things that forgiveness is not: it's not saying 'that's OK'; it's not saying it doesn't matter or that it doesn't really hurt; it's not understanding why the person did what they did; it's not excusing their behavior; it's not having a restored relationship with the person who hurt you.
What forgiveness is is acknowledging the wrong that has been done and the hurt it has caused. And it's acknowledging that the person who wronged you owes you a debt. And then it's asking yourself, "Will I insist that this person pay this debt, or will I allow Jesus to pay the debt for them?" Forgiveness is allowing Jesus to pay the person's debt.
When we allow Jesus to pay the debt, we also trust Jesus to restore whatever that person took or broke. This was the part that really resonated with Mark. After we talked, Mark spent some time in prayer, and focused on this idea of trusting Jesus to restore what was taken from us. The next morning he was still praying about this. He prayed, I don't know when, and I don't know what it will look like, but Jesus, I want to trust you to restore what was taken from us.
A few hours later Mark got a phone call from an adoption worker at our agency. She told him that she had just shown our profile to a couple who were making an adoption plan, and they liked us and wanted to meet us.
The timing for this was beyond coincidence. We had no reason to expect or hope that this would happen--we didn't even know our agency was showing our profile! For Mark, especially, this seemed like something God was doing. It seemed that God was reminding us that He hasn't forgotten us, and that He has been working to restore what was taken.
Now, we're still careful to remind ourselves that there is no guarantee here. Neither of them will be able to sign consent for the adoption until 72 hours after the birth, and they can change their minds up until that time. But keeping that in mind, this is still the most hopeful situation we could have. Both parents are completely on board, both of them have communicated to us that as hard as it is, they are convinced that they don't have the resources (financial, emotional, social) to raise this child, and that attempting to do so would have dire consequences for all of their children (they are currently raising 3 young children together, ages 1, 2 and 3).
So, we are hopeful, but we can't say we know for sure that we will bring this baby home. Given our recent history we are even more cautious than we would likely have been before Ava Rose. But we do trust God is walking through this with us. We will trust Him day by day, and try not to worry too much about the possibility of being disappointed.
