Exactly one year ago Mark and I were at a hospital in Toledo snuggling with our newborn baby girl. The night before, I had witnessed her birth, cheering on her mother as she delivered this beautiful, dark-haired bundle.

It's hard to believe a year has gone by since we first held her, and 8 months since we found out that we would lose her. I think back to those days in April and I plead with God, "Please don't ever make me have to go through that again."

There's a specific moment I remember like it happened yesterday: I was in her room (the room that was Isaac's and is now Isaiah's) packing up her things, trying to decide what to send with her when she went back to her birth mom, and what to keep in case we ever had another little girl. I sank to the floor in silent sobs (silent because I didn't want Mark or Isaac to hear me). The grief was overwhelming, and in that moment I couldn't even form thoughts--it was just raw pain. I felt God's presence with me in that moment,

Though we were celebrating on December 18, 2012, our grieving really began then, too. We were hoping things would go our way, and over and over again we thought that they just had to, because it seemed so clear to us and so many others what was best. But we also knew that it wasn't within our control, and we knew God had invited us into a huge risk.

I suppose this is the case in all of life, but this year stands out as a muddle of grief and joy, with the grief overshadowing the joy much of the time. I've had symptoms of depression (difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions; fatigue and decreased energy; restlessness; irritability or frustration, even over small matters), though not severe enough that I've felt the need to seek help. We're still functioning, and I'd say in general we're doing OK, but there's a shadow over everything. 

I'm not sure how long that shadow will last. We are celebrating again today, thinking of Logan's first birthday (we were invited to her birthday party, which was last Saturday, but we chose not to attend--mostly because of the distance--and I sent her a package yesterday).  We rejoice in Isaiah, our new little one, and are so happy to celebrate another Christmas with a baby. But we still grieve. It's kind of exhausting, but it's life right now. And we still feel God's presence in it.