Balance

Saturday we will be celebrating Isaac's fifth birthday. It will be a fun day with friends, Chicken McNuggets (Isaac specifically requested a party at McDonald's) and birthday cake. I'm looking forward to it.

Saturday also happens to be the day on which Isaiah will be the exact age (four months and two days) that Ava Rose was when she left us.

About a month ago I realized that this would be a hard transition for me. Isaiah is not Ava Rose, and does not replace her in any way. We are beyond grateful for God's provision of another child, and so quickly after we lost our daughter. But it has been a bit of a thing to balance our continued mourning with the celebration and joy of a new child. And I didn't realize at first, but having another baby so soon makes it a bit more complicated because we parents inevitably compare our babies to each other.

I remember vividly Ava Rose's first smiles, the first time she rolled over and when she began the dramatic transition from a newborn who does nothing more than eat and sleep and poop to a little person who has a personality and the ability to interact with others. Those things all happened less than a year ago. As I've watched Isaiah go through those same changes, I'm constantly reminded of her. When he got to be 6 weeks old I thought, "Ava Rose was this age when she first smiled." When we got out the Bumbo seat from the attic I thought, "I don't think we used this much with Ava Rose, I wonder if Isaiah will like it." When Isaiah yawns I remember how every time Ava Rose yawned she would do this adorable little spit bubble thing at the end.

When thoughts like this come, it's not that I'm comparing the two babies and deciding one of them is better. I just remember.  And those memories are hard, but I welcome them because they're kind of like a thread that connects us to the little girl we lost.

Sunday Isaiah will be four months and three days old, and it feels like we'll be losing that connection. Don't get me wrong: I'm excited to witness all the firsts that happen with a baby beyond the first four months. I'm so looking forward to crawling and solid food and baby giggles and all that. But watching Isaiah move into this new phase of babyhood feels a bit as though we're losing Ava Rose all over again.

So we continue to balance the grief and the joy. As I've said before, this is life right now, and we still feel God's presence in it.