Our house is kind of an emotional stew right now. Most of the time we're maintaining an even keel, but simmering under the surface we have sadness, anger, worry, frustration.
Sometimes we're hopeful, but other times we're not. There are certainly moments of joy and thankfulness. But at any moment, it seems, I can be thrown into an episode of depression where I can't get myself off the couch.
I'm not really sure how to explain to people what we're going through. It's almost like we've been told our daughter has a terminal illness, and we don't know how long she'll live. I realize it's not really like that--thankfully we aren't watching her suffer in physical pain, and even if we lose her, it's possible we will have the opportunity to see her again in the future.
But every now and then I have a thought like, "I can't wait to see Ava Rose and Isaac playing outside together when she's old enough to walk." And then I think, "But she might not be with us then." There are so many things we look forward to with our kids, and every time one of those thoughts comes to mind, it brings a pang of heartache.
We're trying to figure out how to live normal life in the midst of all these unknowns and all these emotions. Staying connected to God through reading the Bible and other Christian writing, and through prayer, is helpful. I continue to trust God--not necessarily to trust that things will turn out like I hope, but to trust that He invited us into this, and that He will be with us through it. And that ultimately He wins.
Your faith is so encouraging, particularly in the fact that you can recognize that God's faithfulness doesn't mean He'll make a particular course of action come to play. It's amazing and inspiring that you still maintain sight of the fact that He is faithful regardless of the outcome. I know you might not always feel that way, but I hope it's some encouragement to know that you are walking with Him well and giving a great testimony, and that you're doing a wonderful job loving on Ava Rose :)
ReplyDeleteMindy and Mark,
ReplyDeleteIt is indescribably difficult as you acknowledge. I was thinking about how your suffering mirrors that of God Himself, who knew with certitude that His beloved child was going to be taken from Him, if I can say it that way. At the risk of being a cold Job-friend comforter, I think there is an invitation in this for you two, that as co-sufferers with the Father, you will meet Him in ways difficult to do otherwise. Suffering is suffering, of course, but it is amazing how often suffering is coupled with joy, maturity, fruit, and of course, redemption. In those dark moments, may it come as a welcome surprise that God is weeping at your side.